“When you see the kids faces when they smile, that’s everything. But when you see their faces when they first walked in, it’s horrible, they’re scared, nervous, fearful,” said Fontanez. “They don’t know what they’re getting into when they come in.”
Fontanez said one of her foster daughters had significant delays and required numerous visits to a neurologist. “When I got her, she didn’t know how to talk, she was drinking from a bottle, she didn’t know how to talk and so she would scratch you when she wanted you to know,” she said, and taught her breathing techniques to help her relax. Her 10-year-old foster son is being treated for ADHD and has issues which require weekly occupational therapy.
“I went through a lot too,” said Fontanez. “I have a lot of patience. I try to put myself in [the kids’] place. When I talk to them, I try to see their level, but then I ask for a few minutes to think about it. “
Fontanez worries most about dangers of sexual abuse. “I don’t want anyone to hurt my kids,” she said. “I know they’re not mine, but while they’re in my house, they are mine. That a kid would be hurt sexually by their own parent is what upsets me the most.”
Fontanez believes no child is a hopeless case. “Every kid has something that they could find that could turn them around. I always say to the kids, ‘You have a chance, you are safe, you are loved. No matter what, I will always stand by you.’”
Fontanez cites her second foster mom as the one who taught her how to unconditionally love the children in her care. “She said, ‘I will always be here for you, I will always walk with you, I will always defend you.’ And she did. And I am doing the same thing with these kids.”
What’s a day like? Fontanez said it involves a lot of running around, routines and most importantly, structure. Many of the kids did not come from households with consistency or structure — often kids have difficulty adapting, which plays out in various ways, such as insisting on the later bedtime to which they’re accustomed. Also, she said, they were very scared at nighttime, and therefore she leaves nightlights on and bedroom doors open. She said it took more than six months for them to settle into their new routine.
The biggest challenge before the kids, Fontanez said, is facing the truth about themselves. “They keep denying what happened, even though I don’t push them, I leave it to the therapist,” she said. “They have no confidence in themselves. They always say, ‘I can’t.’” The other issue the kids suffer is that they want to take care of their siblings. Fontanez said she always asks the caretaking sibling, “When are you going to be a kid? He’s so used to doing everything for the baby and the sister, he never got a chance to be a kid. Now he gets to be a kid and enjoy himself.”
Does Fontanez ever get mad at the biological mom? How does she handle that? Yes, she admitted, but then reminds herself that she doesn’t truly know what’s happened. “I don’t know the circumstances of why she lost the kids but I know that I encourage her and say, ‘Go, go, go mom! If you want the kids back then go for it. Do what you gotta do.’”
Fontanez prays every day. “I keep praying, and I say, ‘Dear Lord, you know what you’re doing, so I am going to leave it in your capable hands.’ I also say I want to leave communication open for the kids or the mom. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect. They could switch back, go to mom, and they may go back to the way things were, but at least they have some morals, the way I taught them, and the difference between right and wrong. ‘Use your noodles’, I always tell them, ‘Use your noodles because those are things you are going to need in life.’”
It’s so important to share information like this. There are so many foster kids still in need of loving homes. Thinking of becoming a foster parent? Learn more at www.fostercare.com.