Homeowners should feel an added sense of security against vampires — one of the key aspects to vampire lore is that they cannot enter a house unless invited. So, make sure not to be too nice to strangers.
1) An array of U.V. lighting. Powerful ultra-violet light that resembles the sun should make most vampires think twice. Surround your house with a grid of these babies and watch those vamps turn tail and run.
2) Holy water dispensers. Make sure to get that water in the water cooler blessed, and it could become a powerful tool in the war against evil. While it might not totally stop a vampire, a Super Soaker full of sacred H20 will hopefully slow them down enough to give your associate a chance to stake them.
3) Moat. Also make sure to create a moat filled with holy water surrounding your house. It’ll put a dent in the Count’s plans.
4) Religious icons and garlic. Make sure plenty of crosses and garlic are on hand. Folklorists focusing on the occult are keen to note that doorways are a powerful spiritual portal. Lucky horseshoes and crucifixes over the doorways should keep most nasty demons away — not the least of which are vampires. Windows are an important portal into the home as well, so deck them out with garlands of garlic.
5) Throw the make-up away. From Anne Rice to “Twilight” to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” it seems clear that charming male vampires will do anything expand their ranks by recruiting beautiful young women. In turn, those women are used to lure in men to create an entire door-to-door vampire pyramid scheme. For women defending their homes, the first step to saving the men in your life is to throw away the lip gloss and foundation, keep those foreheads greasy, and slum it hardcore in an unflattering hoodie sweatshirt. It sounds awful, but you could save the human race. Remember, if you don’t sparkle those sparkly vampires won’t be too interested.
6) Stakes. Any sharpened wood will do, from a broken chair leg, to part of a picket fence and a lovingly sharpened walking-stick-turned-spear. Any of these will end the vampire menace. Going medieval can help defend the entire house. Using a line of sharpened tree trunks as an abatis around that holy-water moat will keep all but the most determined vampires away until the sun rises.
7) Flamethrower or Molotov cocktail. Like robots, Count Dracula also fears an open flame. Much like the light of the sun, a good fire will turn a vampire into dust.
Werewolf Armageddon
Many of the techniques used for vampires and zombies will apply here. But if the Mayan apocalypse brings about a werewolf curse, there will be an added concern. Even a werewolf won’t realize they are the monster tearing the town apart. Their monthly transformations into shaggy predator would be unknown to them — they’d be an enemy within. Some versions of the werewolf legend also note that a werewolf will be active the day prior to and after the full moon, when the power it receives from the lunar cycle is still at its peak.
Werewolves are also dangerous because they hunt and operate using a different primary sense than we do. Where humans rely on their eyes, the werewolf will hunt primarily with its nose. So tone down or eliminate the use of Axe Body Spray or perfume.
1) Silverware and finery. Any true silver cutlery or serving trays can either be sharpened or melted down into bullets or usable weapons to defend against the raging beast. Just beware of fakes like stainless steel and pewter.
2) Fridge full of Coors Light. It might not kill them, but most werewolves instinctively shrink when they hear the words “silver bullet.” That’s why a little beer brewed in Golden, Colorado is such an unexpected and wonderful addition to the fight. With any luck, the telltale flinch and those several cases of beer will be enough to incapacitate the suspected werewolf. When that happens, real silver can be pressed against their skin to see if it smolders or reacts to give them away.
Meteor or super volcano
The other possibility for a disaster of epic proportions comes either from the sky or from the earth’s mantle below our feet. Either way, there’s not much to recommend here — your house will be indefensible and likely vaporized (along with you in it) in milliseconds after the initial blast. Take comfort in knowing that a whole group of survivors on the other side of the world will keep the species going — and in knowing that your end will be painless and instant.
