4) Flamethrower or Molotov cocktail. Everyone knows computers hate the heat, so in fending off a Cylon it’s best to set the metaphorical stove on high. Robots with plastic casings shouldn’t stand a chance against an open flame. The great inferno should only be used as a last-ditch effort, however, because they may imperil whatever fortifications you’ve made against the baddies. Also, using Molotov cocktails will land you a federal felony charge if society still hasn’t crumbled and Johnny Law is still patrolling the streets. Use sparingly and wisely.
5) Sledgehammer. Anyone who watched “Robot Wars” back in the early 2000s should remember that much of the bot-on-bot violence was inflicted with sledgehammers. A well-aimed, hefty metal mallet will do in just about any flimsy casing — metal or plastic — inflicting maximum carnage on wiring, circuitry and servos inside.
6) Logical paradoxes. No robotic mind can withstand the damaging power of a statement that can neither be true nor false. When an angry droid knocks at the front door, it’s best to come equipped with an unsolvable riddle that would make the Sphinx’s head explode. Can’t think of one yourself? I recommend this one: “I am lying to you right now.”
Zombie outbreak
When the dead start to walk amongst the living, it’ll be important to know whether their resurrection was viral or occult in nature. Putting to rest a plague-born ghoul is much like ending a demonic zombie, but your methods of self-defense and fortification in each scenario might change. Zombification caused by a voodoo ritual or dark magic will mean you’ll have to look for a necromancer. End the dark magician, break the curse and the walking dead will just be dead again.
The riskier zombie scenario might just be a pathogenic one. A disease would spread wherever it would, infecting whomever it will. Here are some tips to make it out alive.
1) Melee weapons. Any zombie movie fan will tell you, guns make noise. Noise attracts ghouls. Interested ghouls swarm, and pretty soon you’re fending off a full-fledged press of biters. Baseball bats, golf clubs, machetes and knives won’t make as much noise or draw as much attention. On the downside, they’ll take a skilled warrior to wield.
2) Archers. As quiet or quieter than melee weapons, a bow or crossbow would keep the dead at bay while allowing for a sniper to pick off one zombie after another. This routine might require than one member of the household play bait, running to and fro to gain the attention of the ghouls.
3) Guns. Obviously, guns need to be a last-ditch move in the battle against the undead. They’re noisy, and after a while survivors will run out of gunpowder and the means to make bullets. But in a tight spot without many other options, it’s the right tool to have.
4) Leaving the house. At some point in almost every zombie story, the main headquarters or home is overrun and needs to be abandoned. If the zombies stem from a biohazard outbreak, the rules of a pandemic will apply. High population density — as happens in Western cities — is the exact opposite of what you need in a deadly outbreak. More people mean more hosts to pass along an infection.
As “Guns, Germs, and Steel” author Jared Diamond reminds us, early European settlers died in record numbers after they headed north from South Africa. The tropical regions of the continent held a deadly new surprise, mosquito-borne malaria. African tribesmen — who lived in small, isolated enclaves in dry areas away from standing water and separated by long distances from their neighbors — thrived. Be like the tribesmen and avoid the sources of disease. Find a remote, isolated space in the Hudson Valley mountains and make it defensible.
5) The cold. Make sure to outfit yourself for the long winters ahead. Most scribes who make a living selling zombie stories — like Robert Kirkman or Max Brooks — recognize that ice and snow will give the non-infected survivors an advantage. Ghouls won’t pose much of a threat when they’re frozen in a brick like the world’s most famous caveman, Otzi the Iceman. Survivors will have to use their winters wisely, cleaning up the undead mess and making fortifications to their homes.
Vampire apocalypse
Not as likely an end of the world via robots or zombies, but still a possibility. And as anyone who’s ever seen the 1987 flick “The Lost Boys” knows, there are some ways to keep roving gangs of blood-sucking freaks at bay. The daylight is a vampire hunter’s ally. Use that time wisely to find and stake vamps before they can drain you or your loved ones of their precious blood. Remember, Bram Stoker warns that vampires — who seek to make a mockery of the pure and holy — can only nest in consecrated ground. Keep an eye out for newly vacant houses with mysterious boxes of imported dirt or graveyards.
