“The attack left me with scars and bruises that would eventually physically heal, emotional scars that will be with me forever, and one other scar that is a reminder that even the bad things can happen for noble reasons,” she said. “My biological son has brought immense joy to his adoptive parents. The adoption was and is open, and I could see him any time I wish, although it is not a right that I exercise.”
Anabelle is a mother of one from mid-Ulster County who has worked most of her life in the public sector. Her husband took his own life at the age of 30, when their son was seven years old. Anabelle described feeling “the strangest sensation” upon hearing the news he had hung himself in their basement. “I was calm, numb. So removed from what I was hearing…It took a while for me to snap back to reality and digest what had happened.”
“Fear was the first feeling,” she continued. “I was petrified of what was going to happen to me and our son when I found out he had died. I immediately began to have anxiety over how I could possible raise our son on my own.” She reported initial paranoia. How could she possibly provide for their son emotionally and financially? “[The] second [feeling],” she continued, “was shock because my husband was such an outgoing, passionate, family-oriented Irishman — that he, of all people, would end his own life so young.”
Anabelle said from that moment on she kicked into “maternal instinct, survivor mode,” becoming defensive and protective, obsessed with making sure their son was sheltered from the horrible truth, and trying to keep him happy, productive and focused on having a good life.
“It’s been a struggle from day one, and I empathize and sympathize greatly with anyone who’s been through this same thing,” she said. “Feelings of hopelessness, self-pity, for me quickly became overshadowed by feelings of survival and success for me and my son.”
Anabelle said she worked very hard, sometimes holding three jobs at one time. She survived, and she succeeded. She is proud of her present situation. She’s pleased who her son grew up to become. She appreciates her relationship with her dead husband’s family, thinking of him only with love and fondness. “It’s hasn’t always been easy,” she said, “but there is hope and healing with the good grace of god and the support of family and friends.”
What she has learned most of all, Anabelle insisted, was the need to drop the guilt. “One must let go, immediately, of any guilt one feels about the suicide of a loved one. Suicide is simply a personal struggle some must endure. God will handle the particulars, not us. I’m happy to report that so far we’ve been okay.”
Tamara Cooper runs Family of Woodstock’s crisis hotlines, including its 24/7 suicide prevention line. As many as one person in five, Cooper thinks, idealizes suicide as a way of dealing with life stressors. “Either their own biochemistry or life stresses like foreclosures,” she said. “One of the best preventions is to talk about it.”
Thoughts of suicide are unique and individual responses, she said. But desperation, hopelessness, helplessness and a sense of loss are common motifs among callers. There’s also usually great confusion about next steps and options. “It’s more about what does a particular event mean to a person, rather than a category, though we do notice those traits of hopelessness and helplessness,” said Cooper. “People being able to talk to someone about their feelings and the meaning of life’s feelings help them to gain access to their strengths.”
People who have decided to die do not want to reach out to hotlines, Cooper explained. People who reach out have a part of them that wants to live, That part is what Family’s hotline staffers tries to connect with.
The staff of Family counselors and volunteers are trained to help callers create what is termed a safety plan by assessing four points: 1. How long can a person keep themselves from acting on their suicidal feelings (Two days? Two weeks?) 2. Do they have a safety contact list of people with whom to share when they feel that way? Who and where can they turn to feel heard? 3. Can they commit to no use or at least safe use of drugs and alcohol for the time that the safety plan is in place? 4. Do they have formal resources, such as a therapist?
The Family suicide prevention hotline receives about 100 calls per year that average 30 minutes in length, but can go on as long as an hour and a half. Cooper said many people feel better after only 15 minutes of talking. “Some people call once and don’t need us again. Others need to call more often.”
Family of Woodstock’s hotline is anonymous and confidential. Cooper suggested people call 1-800-273-TALK (national hotline) as well. There is a special hotline for returning veterans (338-2370), which Cooper emphatically hopes veterans will take advantage of considering their staggering suicide rate.
Despite what many think, only a small subset of people say they have a thought and act on it immediately. Certain mental illnesses might make people more impulsive, however. “There’s time between time and action,” said Cooper. “Most people who have thoughts of suicide can talk themselves out of it by slowing down their thinking and lengthening the time between thoughts and actions. We find it helpful for people to reach out and talk about their thoughts.”
Family of Woodstock is open from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. every day, and accepts walk-ins at its Woodstock location at 16 Rock City Road (available by UCAT transit). There are also walk-in centers in Ellenville and New Paltz.
According to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, one should not leave someone one knows who exhibits warning signs of suicide alone. Remove any firearms, alcohol, drugs or sharp objects that could be used in a suicide attempt, and consider taking the person to an emergency room or a mental-health professional. The telephone number of the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-TALK (8255).
